"Your ways are not my ways"

It has been a while since I last blogged..actually over a year..and I figure I should give it a go again. 

This past March I made the decision to commit to a trip to Honduras. This has been a long time coming and I was so excited to finally tell Corry & Brittany that I was going! I had finally talked my parents into letting me go and I felt as though God had given me the “go-ahead” on it! Brittany planned this mission trip for jhighers after going to Honduras last spring break for a similar trip. Corry went last year and of course came home and told me about all of the wonderful things they had experienced. I wanted to experience it for myself and this was my chance so I snatched it up! We have a team of 22 going to Tegucigalpa, Honduras to work at several feeding centers.

Okay...fast forward a few months. I finished out my sophomore year in Waco, moved all of my stuff home for the summer and found a job here in Odessa. Corry is back from studying abroad in Uruguay and we are both so excited and thankful that we get a few months to spend together.

These past few weeks have been super busy with work, finding a new apartment in Downtown Dallas, short trips, and just getting things ready for the Honduras trip. My mother flew to Dallas on Sunday to pick up my sister and then they headed to Austin where my sister would be having surgery on Monday. My dad, on the other hand, was in charge of getting me ready to go to Honduras. My poor parents, they had one flying overseas and one going into surgery.

Sunday, after church, my dad and I went to the last Honduras meeting that covered final details of the trip. My dad didn’t really know what exactly I would be doing in Honduras but had a better understanding of our goals for the trip after the meeting. Later that afternoon we went to Academy and my dad decided that he wanted to send pairs of tennis shoes with me and when he puts his mind to something, he does it. So needless to say we walked away with 50 pairs of tennis shoes for kids of all sizes. My dad has such a huge heart and I was soo grateful that he wanted to give in this way. Corry, Kameron & I tied the shoes together and packed them in our second bags.

I have been anticipating this trip for as long as I can remember. I have prayed over it, thought about it, planned for it, talked about it, wondered about it. I was ready to go!

So Monday morning rolls around really quickly. We had to be at the airport at 3:30 AM to catch our 5 AM flight. The morning hadn’t started out too great because I had woken up late but I was able to be ready in time. Corry wasn’t feeling well and that’s never a way to start a trip but regardless we were excited to go. Britt gathered our passports and had begun the process of checking in all 22 of us. She called my name in the middle of it all, from across the airport. My stomach dropped, my heart sank and I knew right then and there something was wrong. Her eyes said everything, my passport had expired. How had this happened? If you know my family at all, you know that we are always on top of things. We have misfortune sometimes when it comes to traveling but nothing like this. These aren’t the types of mistakes we make. My passport had expired by one month. ONE MONTH. An honest, simple mistake had changed everything in a matter of seconds. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and deep down I know it comes down to more than just a small mistake. I was in shock and of course hysterical. I immediately called my dad hoping he could save the day. We tried everything we could think of, called every passport place possible but the earliest I could get to Honduras with a valid passport would have been Wednesday or Thursday. It was more than a passport problem. I knew it was.  So I had to leave the airport, with my packed bags and an unbelievably broken heart.  And my team flew to Honduras without me.

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
 neither are your ways my ways,” 
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
so are my ways higher than your ways
 and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

I am feeling a thousand different emotions.

Sad. Hurt. Angry. Broken. Confused. Overwhelmed. Shocked. Disbelief. Bitterness. Jealousy. Disappointment. Unworthiness. Heartbroken. Selfish.

I had longed to be in Honduras for so long and it was taken away from me in a heartbeat. I don’t feel like the situation was in my control at all and it is an awful feeling. I was supposed to be on a plane to Honduras with my team but instead I was at home. I am so thankful for friends who checked on me throughout the day but nothing was going to fix my broken heart. It all feels like a really, really bad dream. 

I prayed that God knew what He was doing. That He would get the glory. That He would bring me peace.  That He would comfort me all week. That He would take away my bitterness and replace it with joy. That He would reveal to me His purpose for my life.

So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.

2 Corinthians 3:18

Of course at this point I have to make a decision. Will I long to be in Honduras where God has not called me to right now or will I long for Jesus? I know in my heart that His plans are better than my plans, His ways are higher than my ways but my mind tells me otherwise. So many reasons have crossed my mind as to why I didn’t get to go.. Did God know that if I went I would get attached to the children and not want to come home? That I would want to bring a little child home? That I would get malaria? That something awful would happen while I was away?  All of these things may seem ridiculous or far-fetched but they crossed my mind. I may never know why I didn’t get to get on that plane but I rest in the fact that God knows what He is doing.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

James 1:12

I am praying that in the next few weeks God will continue to reveal to me the calling He has on my life and the plans He has for me. Although I don’t like what has happened, I know that I serve a sovereign God who works in my best interest. Pray that I remain faithful and that I continue to trust in Him. I know that He is a God of His word.

I am now in Austin with my sister and mother. This is where God wants me right now. My sister is recovering from her surgery and doing really well!

Please be praying for Corry. He and I had been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. We were SO excited to get to serve together and I was anxious to see the place he cared so much about. Please pray for his health so that he continues to feel well and have lots of energy! If I can’t be there, I am so glad Corry is able to be. God has called him to GREAT things and I love seeing God work in his life.

Pray for the Honduras team. Pray that they show God’s love to every person they come in contact with. Pray that God gets all of the glory. Pray that they aren’t just putting a “band-aid” on the problems over there but instead “righting wrongs” as Britt would say. And pray for energy, strength, and positive attitudes for the rest of their trip. Also, pray that God blesses those that receive the tennis shoes we sent.

It was more than a passport mistake, it was God intervening on my behalf because He knows what is best. My present trial will be my future ministry.. wherever He has called me.

Overwhelming schedule or overwhelming joy?

Where has time gone? This year has absolutely flown by, I can't believe that my freshman year of college is coming to an end! The end of the semester is always so chaotic. I am busy with exams, finals and a million other things to do before I leave for the summer. And in 11 days I will be moving out of the dorm, thank the Lord!!! I find myself lost in a never-ending to do list of things that have to get done within the next week and a half. But if I really think about it, is it really about a to do list? Is it about checking things off just to say that I did it? Am I doing it all half-heartedly, even if it is just studying?

Last week I started packing up my dorm in boxes, trying to get a little bit done at a time. Did I pack away Jesus already too, anticpating the end of the school year? Before that, he was heavy on my heart daily, he was teaching me new things, he was continuing to mold me into the woman he wants me to be. Did I pack him back into the boxes like I had done at the beginning of the year just because things were too busy or crazy? What makes my schedule so important that I can forget the God who sent his son to die for me last weekend so that I can have a relationship with him? I don't want my overwhelming schedule to steal the overwhelming joy that God can give me when I am basking in him!

Lately God has been teaching me what "surrender" means. I need to surrender my time. I pour so much of my time into earthly things that by the end of the day I am only giving to God, who is eternal, what I have left and doing it half-heartedly. I need to surrender my plans. God has laid a major burden on my heart recently and I need to continue to surrender my plans to him. Even if I think that he has already directed my path, there is always room for change because my God is bigger than my own plans. The pure joy that comes from surrendering our life to a powerful God is much greater than the pleasure I will get from living a mediocre life without God as my foundation. How awesome it would be to sit at my Savior's feet surrendering my all, knowing that I have laid my life in the hands of a sovereign God.

I don't want to wish these next 11 days away, I don't want to wait for God to use me when I get home, I don't want to just wait until finals pass or when things slow down. Why should I not surrender now and allow God to use me today? I need to unpack him from my moving boxes and beg him to use me now!!

My prayer for the next couple of days..

The more I seek you, the more I find you.
The more I find you, the more I love you.
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat
This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

Why not me God?

I am thankfully on Spring Break right now.. I am so glad to have a break & ready to finish out these next 7 weeks! Baylor likes to be different therefore we had our spring break the week before everyone else in Texas. It really didn't effect anything until I found out that the junior high ministry was taking a mission trip to Honduras. Brittany, the jhigh pastor had invited me to go and jokingly encouraged me to miss school. Of course everything inside of me wanted to go!! The high school ministry recently took a trip to Africa this summer and I made the tough decision that it wasn't the right time for me to go, I felt in my heart that I wasn't fully prepared. When the trip was approaching, honestly I was a little bitter and I felt left out because all of my closest friends were going, everyone but Corry and I. We were very envious of those going but we were trying our best to be in good spirit about it and be supportive of those that were getting to go. Now the opportunity to go to Honduras comes up and I am unable to go. Once again, I would love to go and I am frustrated that things aren't falling into place. I know that God is saving me for a very special opportunity and I am praying that he prepares my heart for exactly what he wants me to do. I am having a hard time being patient and watching all of my friends take these incredible mission trips. Why not me? Why do I have to miss out again? I pray that God humbles me and only calls on me when he is ready for me. I have to remind myself that it's not about me, it's not about my selfish needs or wants..it's about who Jesus is, being Jesus to others, and loving those around me whether it be in Odessa, Waco, Honduras or Africa. I am learning to step back and pray for those ministering to other countries. I know that he has called me to many great things. Just because he hasn't called me to serve overseas doesn't mean I can't do my job where I am because THIS is where he has called me right now, in this season of my life, I am meant to be here. Only in his perfect timing, only in his will. I am praying I have a better understanding of what he wants me to do right now, where I am.

The Honduras team has been heavy on my heart. Please continue praying for them throughout the rest of the week! My prayer is that God will break their hearts for what breaks his.

Convenient, Comfortable & Casual

Convenient, Comfortable & Casual

Never three words that I want to use to describe my relationship with God, but lately it has been just that.

God calls me to seek him at all times. Not when it's convenient for me, or when it fits into my daily hectic schedule. Not when I need him, or when things are tough. He has pursued a relationship with me that should demand my attention all the time. Just like any other relationship it requires many things from me, for example TIME, communication, acts of service, a righteous spirit, giving, TIME. I tend to let my busy schedule consume most of my time, always wiping things off my to do list and adding new things to it. I hope today that I can remind myself of the importance of a daily relationship with God and not just desire a relationship that happens to be convenient for my schedule.

I have found myself in many uncomfortable situations in the past few weeks and they have left me with many questions. But in the midst of these moments, I felt God's hand at work in my life. God never promised for it to be easy, nor comfortable. I am thankful that it is not easy.. because when God provides, He provides. He never holds back his best from us. When I am uncomfortable, I learn to rely on God as my sole provider for comfort. I am embracing these moments because I KNOW that God will provide for me and what a promise that is!!!

There is nothing casual about a relationship with Jesus Christ, our Savior. The God of the universe desires a relationship with me. What's not to get excited about?? I shouldn't be casual, or nonchalant about this. I should be ecstatic that He wants to know me personally. He didn't casually die on the cross and He didn't casually rise again 3 days later. Why should I casually approach Him? I am so thankful that I am one of His and that I get the chance to know Him better. I pray that I can embrace each moment spent with my Savior.

I am so thankful for a God that is loving and understanding.
Through my present trials, God knows exactly where I stand.

"Now that we know what we have-Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God-let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all-all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, and accept the help."
                          Hebrews 4:14-16

A Struggle the size of a Mustard Seed

My biggest struggle...faith. All too often I allow my lack of faith to control my relationship with God. This lack of faith has begun to rule my world.

One of my favorite songs is Mighty To Save by Hillsong. I sing about God being big enough to "move mountains," and how He is a God who is "mighty to save," and that "Jesus conquered the grave." But do I really believe He can move mountains? Do I completely understand what it means to conquer a grave? Is he mighty enough to save me or anyone else? What, in my world, proves that I believe all these things? I don't have that answer.

In high school, we were always given group projects which I hated because I felt like only one or two people ever did anything. Usually I was one of the ones doing most of the project. I never trusted anyone else to do it. I felt like it wouldn't get done if it were left up to someone else. It was my grade at risk and I knew that if I did it myself, it would get done and on time. So often, I try to take things into my own hands and do it myself because I don't have the faith in others. This is my struggle with God. I take every matter into my own hands and try to fix it by myself. By doing this, I am just insulting God. I believe that if I leave it in anyone elses hands, it won't be right. And in truth, if I left it in God's hands, it would be so much better.

I don't have the faith and trust in God that I wish I did. If I really had the kind of faith that I sing about in church, my whole world would look very different. I admit, I rarely ever hand my problems over to God and allow Him to help me. I doubt the mightiness of God and the power that He holds. Matthew 17:20 slapped me in the face tonight..the disciples were asking Jesus why they weren't capable of something and Jesus replies "'Because you're not yet taking God SERIOUSLY.'" Jesus goes on to say '"The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain 'Move!' and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle.'" There is NOTHING I couldn't overcome? So if I had that faith, I could tackle anything. Define: anything. Lots of things come to mind that I wish I could fix, change or overcome. But yet I continue to lack faith in God even though He has proved Himself faithful time and time again and I have doubted the creator of the world. My prayer is that God will strengthen my weaknesses and that I will learn to take Him seriously.

Who is in control? Are you taking God's role in your life seriously? Is your faith in yourself? Or the God of the Universe? Who is ruling your world?

My plans aren't God's plans!

I am so excited it is almost December! I cannot believe I am two weeks away from being done with my first semester of college..it flew by!! I am definitely ready to be home for a few weeks and relax but before I can do that I have 2 exams and 4 finals that stand between me and HOME! :)

There has been a lot happening in the past few weeks including lots of big decisions! As the semester has been coming to an end, it came time to get advised and registered for the Spring semester. Coming into Baylor I was a Mathematics/Biology major on the Pre-Med track. I had all these aspirations of finishing my pre-requisites, going to med school or physician assistant's school and becoming a doctor of some sort. So last month I spent most of my time at career counseling and advising appointments but things just weren't falling into place. I was wrestling with God because I felt as though I was running out of time and more importantly I was running out of options.

God is SO faithful. I continued to pray for discernment, asking Him to guide my steps because the decisions were just getting harder. And now with God's guidance and reassurance, I have changed my major to Nursing!! I couldn't be any more excited! This is a big change for me because all along I have ruled out nursing as an option. I just didn't think it was for me..but I have quickly realized.. My plans are not always God's plans. I am one that likes to have control over situations and be in charge..this is not normally the role of a nurse. Not only will I not be in charge in my profession but I am reminded that God is in charge. It has been a humbling process because I am learning that God's plans are much greater than mine and life isn't always going to flow according to my plans. This is a really scary thought for someone like me who is a planner. I am getting more and more excited each day as God continues to open doors and lead me in the right direction!

So as for the new plan.. I am officially a Nursing major! I will finish my pre-requisites for nursing school in the next year and a half. Next November I will apply for the Louise Herrington School of Nursing (which Baylor has a 96% acceptance rate.) And then the Fall semester of my junior year I will move to Dallas for two years to go to nursing school. I am really excited because this allows me to jump right into clinicals a lot sooner and begin working at the hospital. I am anxious to see how God is going to use me in this field. I still have many questions but I do know that I am going in the right direction. Considering the fact that one day I want to be able to travel, get married and have children, I believe that nursing will be ideal for me!

I am so thankful that God is sovereign and that He knows exactly what I need. It is a good thing that my plans aren't His plans and my timing isn't His timing. I am learning to trust in Him and also what it means to believe that He will provide. Even in the midst of chaos and confusion, God has proved to be faithful. Today, I am doing my best to praise Him wherever He has me in life..even if I don't understand.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Thanks for your support, encouragement and prayers as I make big decisions about my future!

The last place I put God: a box.

I want to share with you an excerpt of a book I am slowly but surely reading. It is called Praise Habit: Finding God in Sushi & Sunsets by David Crowder. It is kind of long but totally worth reading.

I used to think I knew where to find God. He seemed to always be where I put Him last.

He was in Sunday school every Sunday morning. He was in "big church" right after. He was there most Sunday nights, too. He was around out dinner table when my father read from the blue Bible-story books. He was there when I prayed before meals. He was there most times I prayed elsewhere, too. He was there during my quiet times. He was at church on Wednesday nights. He was really there at church camp in the summer. He loved church camp. I think He just liked summers better in general. Once school started back, the moments with Him were farther spaced, it seems. I enjoyed finding Him. It felt like things were right. Even if they weren't, it felt okay. I wanted more moments with Him. I heard there was a Bible study on Monday nights, so I went, and sure enough-He was there. I had an accountability group and we met on Tuesdays, and sure enough-He was there, too. I heard about another Bible study that met on Thursdays, so I went, and wouldn't you know it, there He was. He began showing up in the songs we sang around 1983. It was called contemporary worship. It was great. He was always in these songs, so I would sing them whenever I wanted to find Him, and sure enough-there He'd be. By the time I got to college, I thought I had it all sorted out with everything in its place. Then tragedy came.

If I could have written this myself, I would have.This paragraph speaks volumes to me and often times I find myself thinking about it more and more each day.

August: I put God in a box. An actual cardboard box, along with all my other junk I was bringing to college. Pillows, bedding, pictures, clothes, books I anticipated to read, rugs, laptop, shoes, towels, camera. Everything I thought I needed until I visited home again. Everything I thought I needed to survive in my new town. Everything that was comforting to me. God was in a box too, somewhere. My Bible was in there among the books, devotionals and bible studies I had packed. What's wrong with this picture? I didn't really know where God was. I had packed Him up and was going to "unpack" Him when I needed Him. I wasn't really having a relationship with this God that I had learned about in high school. So, I came to college..and from the very beginning it has been an emotional roller coaster from one day to the next. My parents dropped me off, and I cried. And I cried some more. I needed God..but He was no where to be found. He was still in the box that I packed Him in back in mid-August. This was my "then tragedy came" moment.

Tragedy always comes. If it hasn't come for you, it will. Not the losing-your-homework kind or the having-to-flush-your-goldfish kind, but the kind that leaves you stripped. The kind that tears from you all ideas about living you once believed untearable. Mine came my junior year of college, and it came in a phone call. It was my mom. She said " David, something very terrible has happened." The words that followed were bombs. As they came hurtling toward me through miles of telephone wire, my muscles turned liquid, and when she finished, I was left wilted on the floor, and God was not there. At least I could no longer find Him. And I had no idea where to begin looking again. The places I used to frequent, I no longer trusted. In seven minutes everything I had thought about everything was dramatically different.

Well, I felt stripped, and I still do in a way. But God has stripped me of everything to get my attention. I use to look for him and find him in the youth ministry at Crossroads, in Shape on Sunday mornings and small groups Sunday nights, in my 8th grade girls small group I led, in my group of Godly friends, in Brittany Bethel, and in Scott Windham our youth pastor. And He was always there, He always showed up. Then tragedy came, maybe not through a phone call but it came, hard and fast. I felt empty, here I was in a new town with new people, new churches, a new place to sleep. Everything was new and I could no longer find God in the comforting places that I once knew or where I last left him..usually in the chairs of the auditorium at my church. What I had once thought was a relationship with God was actually just a convenient acquaintance relationship. I feel stripped and broken but God is breaking me down to my core. He has gotten my attention in the past few months and I am thankful for that. Although it has come through suffering, I have realized that God is not where I put Him last or where I thought He was. He is bigger than that, MUCH bigger than that. I am still learning what it takes to be in a relationship with Him and what it means to praise Him. He has taken my world and flipped it upside down (a few times) but I am learning what it means to follow Him wholeheartedly with everything inside of me. Where did you last put God? Have you looked for Him recently? When are you going to allow Him to start using you instead of only taking Him out of the box when you need Him?

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.
Psalm 37:7